If You Haven't Erred

...Then You Haven't Lived.

I spent the other night in a state of intense frustration. I had work that needed to be completed, but my mind wouldn't stick to it. It kept revolving around all the problems I had; not pausing to think whether they are minor or major;  causing me agony by replaying every single mistake I have made in my life, big and small. I could see all the paths I had taken, the choices I have made that were wrong, that were misinformed and misdirected. My mind wouldn't let me alone.

I fought my inner battle that night. Being alone, it was long and bitter. Every time that my heart asked 'What have I done to deserve my misery?', my mind replayed all that I have erred in. Unable to bear it anymore, seeking a distraction I opened my blog and kept staring at it, aimlessly.

Out came this quote from that little widget I have on the right 'If you haven't erred, you haven't lived. And then followed a couple more quotes from supposedly famous people about mistakes and regrets, and how focusing on those can suck the life out of you. There were some names I recognized - Swami Vivekananda, Gandhi, Mark Twain.. etc etc.

I haven't lived a regret-free life always. But I do not always brood over my mistakes either. I do tell people that all the choices in my life have been mine. And I am proud of my mistakes because they make me what I am. But sometimes, you think, there was a choice you made that took you down a path you could have lived your entire life without having to tread on. Did it have to happen for you to be the wiser? Maybe.

Some people go through their life without having lived it in real. Never diverting off the straight line, not knowing what it is to ponder over the course of their life. Yes, I have made mistakes in my life, but I think I am often happy I made them (that is when I am not frustrated/depressed about them). So much the better for me. Better late than never and all that stuff.

I watched my neighbor call the cops on her daughter the next morning. She had no choice. Her daughter had some problems - I am not sure which, but I know depression was one, coupled with self-mutilation. That day, she was spiraling downwards and was threatening her own life. Her mother had to institutionalize her for her own good. 

 I am not really friends with them. But when you see them everyday, you can not but notice what's happening. This daughter is very young and smokes a lot. But that day, she shed all her inhibitions and was bawling in front of everybody, begging her mother not to send her with the cops. My heart went out to the mother. She was in tears herself, and she was explaining to the cops and the medical officers about her fears for her daughter. She had to do it for the sake of her child.

Sometimes, as a parent you have to make tough decisions. Especially when you see your child making mistakes. Sometimes you have to let the mistakes play out, so that your ward can learn from the. But in some cases you have to step in.

My father did, once. And it led to a bitter battle between us for a while. I take after him when it comes to resolve. We both wouldn't budge, driving my mother crazy. Of course, he was saner and wiser compared to the teenage me. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn't stepped in. And eventually I realised my folly and begged him to talk with me. He has always given us our freedom, molding us into fiercely independent  yet sensible women (we are three sisters, and a bro), allowing us to make our own choices, satisfied to be in the passenger seat.. and sometimes 'back-seat driving'. But of course that is part of being a parent I guess. I am blessed that he is mine.

Miss you Dad.

Come to think of it, my life, so far hasn't been all that bad. I have had the sense to stay away from drugs, from addictions of all kinds and violence. I have always had a close circle of friends. I love my family, and I am blessed with a loving extended family. My soul-mate is a caring, understanding guy who goes out of his way to make me comfortable. Yes, we are going through a rough patch, but hey, the worse is over. I am doing something I love and have always wanted to do - my PhD and that comes with some sacrifices. What more can you ask?

Its ok. Its my life. And I love it. All the mistakes, hardships, bitter truths, heartbreaks and inconveniences included. Bring it on!