This week my marriage turned 3.
Our's is an arranged marriage. And each and every single time that I have shared this information with a stranger, I have received some singularly spectacular responses ranging from - 'Was it painful?', 'Is it difficult?', 'how could you' to 'ah.. I wouldn't have penned you for an arranged marriage kind', 'Really? how interesting'. After 3 years you would think I would have gotten used to it. But it still annoys me.
Why do people think an arranged marriage is somehow more painful than a love marriage? As if all love marriages result in happy couples or long relationships, or can you say for sure that people who have first fallen in love and then marry, have a guaranteed stress-free or fight-free marriage? Why is the failure of every arranged marriage blamed on the fact that it was 'arranged' with a twitch of the nose, and a look in the eyes? And I never really can fathom why it is equated with the 'slave trade', 'sheep race', 'parade of slaves' and even to being a whore for getting into bed with a complete stranger. No, I am not making these up. These are the words from perfectly civilized youth of this millennium. And it pains me to have to hear that.
Now, do not get me wrong, I am not saying the whole system of an arranged marriage is without its faults. It is. But so is the system of a love marriage. In every case the success of a marriage depends on the people involved - the husband and the wife.
People have a problem with the 'match-making' process, the bride-seeing process, the groom-finding process. Basically they have a problem with the whole process. Often I find it horribly biased.
For example, there is a reason why the whole of the groom's family goes to visit the whole of the bride's family. Because, a marriage is not limited to the wife and the husband, but it also involves the families. Is it not important to see how the family dynamics are, how they behave with each other, how they treat others and especially how they treat each other?
Coming to the bride-seeing and groom-finding process. Ok. Let's talk about the scenario were you date somebody, or even start to date somebody. In this networking era, it almost always starts on the internet - unless its a college romance, or an office alliance. Does it not start with two strangers? Does it not involve striking them off if they do not meet your criteria after the second date or whatever? Why should it be any different in an arranged marriage? Why then is it likened to a slave trade, a fish market and other choicest words? Because parents and families are involved. How is my home any less a place to meet a guy than parks or restaurants!
Now coming to the 'getting in bed with a complete stranger' part - which I find utterly ridiculous and naive, and very much influenced by the Indian movie industry. Nobody - no sane person, as far as I know - jumps onto the 'first night' bed with his wife as seen in those movies, or invites her husband to have sex on the very first day of their relationship together - if they were perfect strangers to each other. It only happens with mutual consent when they reach that stage in their relationship. Just in case you didn't know that part.
As far as I know, in modern times at least, girls do have the freedom to chose their husband - EVEN IF ITS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE. The arranged part pertains to the pre screening that the families do to determine whether their dear child's prospective life-partner fits into their culture, their family, their lifestyle or whatever their choices are in this regard. Don't you have choices when you start dating? would you go out on a date with an illiterate pompous ass who has only his family wealth and no education or no stable job? No relationship starts under pressure or ignorance. If there is a family that forces their son/daughter to marry someone that they do not like, well, it is their fault - the family is at fault for not thinking straight, the guy/girl is at fault for not standing up for themselves while making the most important decision in their life. Why generalise it?
I chose my husband - not my father, not my mother. I chose the person I felt I was most compatible with. I chose him because in the three hours that I spoke with him, I knew he would bring order to the chaos in my world. He would be my anchor. I just knew. It felt right. I met my husband for the first time a week before the wedding day. yup. I was crazy. we spoke on the phone in jan, and got married (at least this time we both were there in person) in march. In those crazy couple of months, I came to know his faults and he came to know I wasn't exactly an easy person to be with. If I had chosen to back out of the match, I am sure my family would have been on my side without any questions. As they were with me, with my decision to marry a person I hadn't even met - they hadn't even met. And now, I love him like crazy. So should my love for him be discounted just because it started differently?
A marriage - whether love or arranged - is influenced by the options the couple lay down for themselves, by their choices, their preferences, their temperament and their compatibility. There is no guarantee in any case - why do love marriages fail, where does the love disappear, why do arranged marriages fail - where is the family support? No one system is infallible. It works, and then it doesn't. Everything boils down to the husband and the wife. Compromise has to be made in either case, love has to prevail in either case. And sometimes, love is also not enough.
Whether 'love or arranged', a marriage is not predictable. You might search for decades and never find the soul mate you are looking for - for nobody is perfect. You might just see the one match your parents found for you, and decide he is the right person - as right as he can be for you. You might have a long happily married life in either case - the risks are the same, the problems are the same. And you are the same person. Love might make you blind, but a marriage will bring you to reality. Arranged marriages will not be of much help if you and your husband do not work out the dynamics of your relationship.
I can not stress enough - YOU are the only person that can make or break a marriage. It does not depend on whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage. YOU have to take the plunge and sink or swim on the strength of your heart and soul.
And that is all I have to say about this.
16 comments:
Excellent.You have explained well.The only precaution in arranged marriages is for the bride to ensure that she is not hustled into marrying someone whom she doesn't like however much attractive the other parameters seem.
The risk of incompatibility is the same in both forms of marriage.Unlike in the past these days even in arranged marriages the couple talk and meet each other several times before marriage to get to know.Arranged things are like blind dates.One benefit in arranged marriages is that parents make discreet enquiries about the guy or the girl which may not happen in love marriages if one of them is not smart
Thank you! I absolutely agree with your comparison - they are indeed like blind dates, only you are a bit more informed and wise.
I believe arranged marriages are also love marriages except "how we met" involves people from family rather than just friends. And again not all love marriages are "love" marriages. To have a "love" marriage, it doesn't matter how you met or got married.
guria - hit the nail on its head. only, there are too many heads out there that need this nail driven in. pch pch. :)
I loved this post of yours. Landed up here from Guria's blog....I think marriage is a lovely idea, the execution of which depends on the two people and the families who are involved in it (for Indian marriages at least :D). It's just the way you find your way to love- arranged or love..how does it even matter?
hello Megh-you are absolutely right. it really doesn't matter. but unfortunately, I have had to argue with so many stubborn, narrow minded people about this, that I just had to post it on the blog. thanks for coming by!
I don't have much faith in the institution of marriage itself. But I agree with your argument nonetheless. In fact statistics say that now-a-days love marriages are more prone to breaking up rather than the "arranged" ones. Factors deciding the longevity or brevity of marriages has nothing to do with how the husband and wife came to know each other. It depends on the people involved in it. Wonderful post! :-)
You are right samadrita. The tenacity of any relationship is dependent entirely on the people it involves. welcome and thanks for the compliment!
Marriage is between two people, its a true partnership and should be based on mutual respect. Lucky you, you've found it.
If people enter marriage just because "log kya kahenge", or "he/she is of marriageable age" it can lead to heart ache and misery. This is such a well written post
ritu - thank you! I know. I have seen people who did that and regretted it later.It is not easy to say what makes or breaks a marriage.
thanks for dropping by!
No arguments on which is better...
But let me tell u something..I loved the last line of urs...Suddenly I felt as if U were some advocate fighting some case and u ending ur arguments saying..."And that is all I have to say about this..."...hahaha!!! Cool, uh!!!
@J - oh you do not know how many times with how many people I have argued about this. hence the conclusion, sort of.
:) I do not think one is better than the other, but I also do not think one is worse than the other. They are both routes to sharing your life with someone, aren't they?
Excellent.I loved the way you have explained this so well. Really liked it.
thank you swapna!
First of all, Happy Anniiversary! And with regards to the topic of arranged marriage, as you said, it depends on the couple involved, I guess...for me, as a person, I don't think I'd have gone for an arranged marriage coz I take a lot of time to get to know, and more importantly, trust people...and as long as the bride or groom is not forced into it by the family (I've seen that too) I think it should work out well...
@cat - thank you! you are right. relations, when forced, have a way of turning sour.
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